Juxtaposed sentiments and a remix

There is a big part of me that is very, very, very happy and grateful that we seem to have struck on something that is working well for my brother, and possibly working for me. I'm losing weight, dropping dimensions, and have bloodwork that seems to finally be moving in the right direction. In 9 years, I had come to learn to not hope for anything like that...ever. The gratitude and thankfulness towards the Potter and his ever-turning wheel and plans is certainly a huge part of my daily life.

There is another part of me that is just very, very, very tired of feeling this way. I know I have no special right to feel this tired, worn down, or dispirited (especially when so many of those I know have to slog through worse), but I have to be honest with myself and admit that some days have simply seemed harder than they are worth. In fact, I feel kind of at odds with my newfound fondness of objectivist worldviews. The main reason I continue to push through is the number of people I do not want to let down, not because I feel much of any personal wish or desire to do so for my own sake anymore.

I am actually quite internally conflicted over this quandry. I need to have more than just "because I'd be letting others down" motivation driving me. I know this rationally and clearly. And yet, I am so very, very, very tired of feeling like Sisyphus over this whole health conundrum, and without that personal drive, when the goal is external, it does seem like a heavier rock rolling up a steeper slope on the days that the internal drive calls in sick.

When we discovered my brother was doing so well on the treatment, a MAJOR motivator for me just dropped out from under me. In the worst days in the past, I could always remind myself that I was not the only one counting on me making it through another round of trial and error testing/medicating. Then, when he started to respond so quickly, I dared to hope that perhaps I would follow along, albeing more slowly, in the recovery business.

Instead, I have become the weakest, most dependent, most unpredictable version of me there has ever been. There are days that I get in the car and almost immediately have to come home, realizing the trip to wal-mart or wherever now seems a bit much for the day. And then that very evening I can be feeling better than I have in a while. There's no predictability, no control, and only a great concern that I'll be stuck doing something when the next wave of sheer physical draining takes its toll. I have become wholly dependent on my medication - to an even greater degree than I ever did before. I used to think it was bad that the vitamin would lay me out in 2-4 days. Now, I have a window of maybe 2-3 hours with this combination of medications.

And yet, as I write this, I feel like a whiny punk. People with full-blown insulin-dependent diabetes have tighter schedules to their medications than I do, to name the more cotidian of the illnesses people around me suffer from on a daily basis. There are worse...much worse alternatives and possibilities.

That doesn't mean the weak, decrepid, decomposing human that I am doesn't feel these things, however. On nights like this, I really do miss so many of you whom I rarely or never get to see anymore. I can be thankful for the days in memory I do have of those times shared...and like the old man in that ballroom can take a few rounds down the dusty memories and rejoice in the opportunities I did have, and then look forwrard to those still to come.

For any of you that slog through my writing, you know that there are often repeated themes throughout...and today, I spent some time re-reading some of the things I'd written in the past, to feel a little better about today, and try to get some sleep...

Old blog remix:

These are the feelings I'm trying to re-capture from a couple of years ago...that I NEED to recapture...

http://lopezj4141.blogspot.com/2009/02/new-level-then-thankfulness.html

http://lopezj4141.blogspot.com/2009/02/more-than-we-can-endure.html

How I've been feeling these past couple of weeks...

http://lopezj4141.blogspot.com/2009/02/merely.html

http://lopezj4141.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-do-you.html

What I know I need to do again...

http://lopezj4141.blogspot.com/2009/07/dear-potter.html

I miss you all, my cherished loved ones...this tired old fool misses you all so very much.

--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

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