My friend, recently, the days that you saw me so sick and hurting, many, many things were going on-including a strong rupture with my a friend and trusted advisor of the last 7 years.
But, I do rejoice in the friends I have. I derive strength from your support. Though I'm broken, bloodied, and too tired to get out of bed for more than these few minutes to share my thoughts with you, I know that tomorrow is another day, and that I..'ll be able to face it and what it brings. It won't be easy, but it will be doable.
I sincerely thought I was having a heart attack when I went to bed a few hours ago. My chest ached, I could move my fingers, but I could feel nothing in them. A stab of pain went from my shoulder down to my elbow. As I lay there, I almost felt relieved. It meant that God agreed with me: I wasn't up to the task, and He was going to make sure the choice to face down my many personal demons was no longer mine. Even if it only meant a "scare" at a hospital, it would end my graduate career as medical..nnecessity would dictate my abandonment of my current pursuits.I fell asleep, comforted in the fact that I'd written to most of the people I cared about in recent moments, and that I'd spoken to all who I loved and left them with good words the last time I did.
But then I woke up several hours later, and dragged myself to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror for a long, long time, and realized that this was not yet the time. I'm still here, I'm still driven, and I'm still hungry for this work. With God's grace, and the love and trust and support of those of you who I turn to in my darkest hours, I will face down this challenge and overcome.And maybe someday I will be able to reunite with my old friend. But I can't do that right now. And if I cannot do that, then at least I am determined that I will not denigrate or devalue the gifts that others have given me by not doing everything in my power, to the very last strand of strength available in my soul and this decaying body, to pass this passion, dedication, and drive on to as many others as I can.
It is not merely a goal, but a responsibility, and one that I take with deadly seriousness.
I need to rest now, but tomorrow the nose goes back to the grindstone. The steel must be worked, sharpened, toughened. I'll make it through, and I'll be a better person.
I love all of you, I cherish all of you, and I thank all of you for all your trust and support. In these days when I can feel so alone and so detached from the world, it is good to know that these thoughts I pour into my machine make it through the blackness and out into your hearts and minds where I can feel your prayers and your steadfastness.It rarely seems true, but it is: Take comfort, friend, for we are never tried more than we can actually endure. This may sound like an empty platitudes to you, but whether it does or doesn't this does not change the truth. I've felt like absolute rolled and useless shit from time to time in my own life, and have been extremely afraid of the trials I HAVE faced…but in the end, I've come out alive, successful, and growing. It's been less than pleasant in many cases, but I AM still here, proof of the statement. It's unfortunate that we are often unaware of how much we CAN endure, but rest assured that you're up for the task. Until the closing bell, you're up for the task.
My phone has been off so I can sleep.Good night!
John, Nacho, Juan, Johnny
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