It's just been one of those weeks

For all of you out there who graciously keep track of me, I just wanted to say thanks.

Without your prayers, friendship, support, and love, it is most certain that I would not be as held together as I manage to portray most days.

My parents have certainly born the psychological brunt of all of these scenarios, worrying about their children in ways I cannot begin to personally understand yet. I continue to implore that you all keep THEM in your thoughts and prayers much more than you do me.

This has indeed been just one of those weeks, and it's only Tuesday! :- )

It seems that good news rarely comes unaccompanied these days, always a yang to any yin that comes this way. This new vitamin experiment has been progressing remarkably well.

The GOOD news:

-It is increasingly unlikely that I have something like celiac sprue, given that my tolerance for gluten products is slowly increasing as my vitamin B builds back up in my system.

-My ability to handle vegetables is increasing, and in the next couple of weeks I am going to try fruits and then salads. I miss salads in a way I didn't know was possible to miss healthy foods. :- )

-I have not had so many consecutive days without serious digestive troubles in longer than I care to remember.

-I am possibly correcting an imbalance problem before it got out of hand and severely destructive/deadly.

The Yang:

-I have less of a severe malabsorption issue...so now my hyperHyperHYPERinsulin is able to go back to what it does best...telling my body to store every last little calorie I intake as fat, without regard to diet or true need. After managing to relatively plateau (compared to other years) for a significant time, I am again steadily gaining weight. This is not a good change, as my heart is already at risk, and I'm just loading it down even more. Considering how much it hurts to move for very long, this is a compounding problem.

-If this vitamin B thing holds up, then it will be confirmation that my ability to absorb the vitamin was permanently inhibited by the medication I was once on. The only medication that the doctors believed had a prayer of helping to reduce my insulin problem. Going back on the medication would be increasingly inadvisable. Also, there would be no guarantee that my level of malabsorption of vitamin B would remain steady. Supplements may not work well forever.

-The pain in my hands and lower back has not improved. It continues to hurt like hell to walk around or move for very long. I generally keep my outings to one a day if I can at all help it, and I try to maximize what I do on that outing. When I am involved in teaching/lab work, at least I have the chance to sit in chairs from time to time so as to be able to prolong the single outing as long as necessary. I'm finding it hard to find the will and energy to face this every day.

Needless to say, the strong desire to become a hermit, never leave my hidey-hole, and never have to face myself in a mirror, never have to ignore the looks of others as they wonder how many quintuple bacon cheeseburgers I must wolf down in a day to look like I do, or not be confronted with my own inability to do even the simplest things at levels of stamina I had only a few years ago. The only reason I keep going any day is that I'm afraid if I stop I won't ever find the stamina to start up again. And I have to be honest that this is certainly not the kind of place I need to be.

I have grown accustomed to being the source of advice, comfort, and succor to many of my friends, but these days I seem to have been able to do none of the above, not for lack of wanting or trying. I feel useless to them, unable to contribute more positively to their lives, and this is a bitter pill to swallow.

Not everything seems so glum, though: every time I get the opportunity to teach or tutor, I am reminded of how grateful I am to be doing what I do these days. Whenever I delve into the research or teaching, I feel all that sluggishness disappear, because all I need is my mind and the ability to express myself.

Every time I speak with my parents, I get the opportunity to remind them of how much I love them, and how grateful I am for all that they did for us kids throughout our lives. I still have the opportunity to do so, when many of my friends do not.

After years of bitterness, recrimination, and generalized soul malaise, I got the opportunity to love purely and unconditionally someone who was WAY too good for me. While that joy and blessing may not be here with me anymore, the time she was here physically FELT like a temporary reprieve on all this degeneration simply from the joy of everyday life and living. To feel like that again was a gift I could NEVER have deserved, tried hard enough to earn, or done enough to repay. It's been a year and a half since that blessing has been next to me, but it still lingers in the daily memories and continued friendship.

Even though there are days when I fondly recall what it was like to be a well-funded EMPLOYED engineer, I have gotten the opportunity to pursue something that in the past seemed an unlikely dream. Few people get these opportunities in life.

I'm more blessed than I deserve, but it's weeks like these when I have to go back and remind myself of this...because when you're alone with your pain and your thoughts, the brooding always seems to have an edge over the joy.

Thanks for listening, praying, and putting up with me, dear friends. You make it all just that much easier to face every day.