Living with illness

 often joke about such things as my health. I don't seek sympathy, or the big "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…you poor thing, here let me treat you". I merely seek to make sure that all my friends are as comfortable with the reality as I am, and are not surprised if something ever were to occur. My beloved friends, I've grown quite accustomed to this reality, and have embraced it, accepted it, and am HAPPY for the time I'm given each and every day rather than be bitter about time that was never mine to demand I be granted in the first place. I believe it is the state in which we all SHOULD live, but I know many of us don't, and it's only those who face the truths through some things like medical conditions that tend to come to grips.
 
I also don't mean to cause you emotional pain or any analog thereof-I mean for you to be able to *lighten up* about it all as we all (my other friends and I) have learned to do. My dear friends, if we can't laugh at ourselves, we cry. My close friends and I have all loved each other dearly…dearly. I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for any of them, and most of them would do the same for me. Our pain is each other's pain, our triumph's, each other's joy, and our failures, each other's sorrow and lessons. 

However, we all have adjusted to coping. The reality doesn't change, but we can change how we feel about it. I'd much rather laugh at a friend who goes "boo" and I clutch at my heart pretending to have an attack from being "soooooo scared", than walk around all the time making sure "the issue" doesn't come up.
 
It's not something to fear, dread, or loathe. At least not in my life, my dear friend. I will have had a full life, no matter what, and I have an undying faith that I will be pleased with what I see when it is over. I see peace, not dread. I feel an urgency only to benefit as many young lives as I can, not to extend my own. And I feel a responsibility to take care of myself when and how I can so that I can do whatever is reasonable to achieve this goal.
 
But we must, we MUST be able to live lightheartedly with the reality. Because if the sad day should ever come when I no longer get to enjoy the blessed joy of being with the friends I love, I would want them to be happy for the times we did have rather than angry at the time we were never promised to be given. I'm no special case. We all are mortal, and not a single one of us is guaranteed to be here tomorrow or the day after. But it's something that is on my mind on a daily basis because of other circumstances.
 
I don't share everything that goes on, not even with close, close friends…because it is unnecessary worry. Do my friends REALLY need to know how many times a week I begin emergency measures to avoid a health crash, or take stock of where the phone is in case I need to dial 911? No, they do not. I don't even tell my parents these things. It would worry everyone too much, and unnecessarily. These things come and go, and not one of them has taken me yet. :) 

But I long for you to at least begin to accept the fact that I'm comfortable with this existence, and I long for you to be less uncomfortable by it. I long for you to be able to laugh it off, to be able to SHARE in the happiness I feel at spending time with my loved ones…to know that is what I truly want in life and friendships.
 
Dear friends, you have no idea how much you have enriched my life each in your own special way, providing the comfort I've needed. 
 
I am happy to know you, I am pleased to help you when I can, but most of all, I am blessed to share a true friendship with you and all of my other TRUE friends.
 
Some day, you will believe me when I say: "There is, and can be, *no sadness*, not when this blessing is an undeserved grace."
 
Laugh with me, my dear friend. Share happiness, and let's enjoy *today* as well as we can, preparing ourselves as *BEST* as our ability allows for being useful and productive in whatever future we're granted.

May I be blessed to live each day, week, month, and year as if it was my last opportunity to make an impact on those I treasure and care for - this is truly my most selfish daily prayer.