Saturday, August 29, 2009

Chicken soup for my soul...

I am back on the LU campus for the week-end, helping to usher in a whole new class of fresh-faced brothers into 41.

After having been too ill to attend last year (my only miss in 12 consecutive initiation/EO years), I am VERY glad to have the opportunity to be back, and taking my place as one of the keepers/tellers of the oral histories and traditions in the floor. It was one of the aspects of the whole weeks that I always enjoyed as a young underclassman myself, and now to be able to have the great privilege to take part in the week in that way is a real shot in the arm of my good humor and morale. I love telling these old stories, enjoy the laughs, and more than anything, enjoy participating in this grand old tradition kept alive simply because of the joy others find in it and their desire to continue uplifting these traditions year after year.

Thank you, my brothers for all the years we have done this together in the past, for keeping the traditions alive...and you new brothers - I look forward to years of getting chances to know each other some more. Welcome! And remember that once a 41er.... (that's right, you finish the phrase for me now...)

Always in style:
From LU Years

Memories of years gone by:

From LU Years

From LU Years

From LU Years

From LU Years

Last good shot of the pristine original 41 tiles...
From LU Years
--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Seven Seconds

One…

Seven seconds, a mere seven heartbeats, a few measures of a song.

Two…

Time so fleeting, so fragile, so light – and yet so significant that their presence can illuminate a life and their absence can cast a long shadow.

Three…

Moments whose significance is sometimes masked by their quotidian presence, and whose value often can only be gauged in the harsh suffering of their absence.

Four…

Those seven seconds, those significant moments, those lifelines of joy and continuing pleasure in the banality of life’s relentless repetition and routine – do you know what they are?

Five…

Can you identify those few moments…those ephemeral ticks of the clock that give you hope, renew your joy, and restore your strength?

Six…

Or are you like so many others, who will only discover these precious gems, these jewels of existence, these prized morsels of life when they are no longer there for the taking – when all that is left is to 
mourn?

Seven.



--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

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Music can be a halcyon place

The day that never comes


from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMW0_XxKdzs

The Nobodies


from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fi97Y6Op9Ag&feature=fvw

Voodoo

From: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nw2iipzHl3w

Serenity


Sn**f


from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eq2FLZFzBJU


--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

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Friday, August 14, 2009

The old man is back in the ballroom tonight

Ah, the memories....





























--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Juxtaposed sentiments and a remix

There is a big part of me that is very, very, very happy and grateful that we seem to have struck on something that is working well for my brother, and possibly working for me. I'm losing weight, dropping dimensions, and have bloodwork that seems to finally be moving in the right direction. In 9 years, I had come to learn to not hope for anything like that...ever. The gratitude and thankfulness towards the Potter and his ever-turning wheel and plans is certainly a huge part of my daily life.

There is another part of me that is just very, very, very tired of feeling this way. I know I have no special right to feel this tired, worn down, or dispirited (especially when so many of those I know have to slog through worse), but I have to be honest with myself and admit that some days have simply seemed harder than they are worth. In fact, I feel kind of at odds with my newfound fondness of objectivist worldviews. The main reason I continue to push through is the number of people I do not want to let down, not because I feel much of any personal wish or desire to do so for my own sake anymore.

I am actually quite internally conflicted over this quandry. I need to have more than just "because I'd be letting others down" motivation driving me. I know this rationally and clearly. And yet, I am so very, very, very tired of feeling like Sisyphus over this whole health conundrum, and without that personal drive, when the goal is external, it does seem like a heavier rock rolling up a steeper slope on the days that the internal drive calls in sick.

When we discovered my brother was doing so well on the treatment, a MAJOR motivator for me just dropped out from under me. In the worst days in the past, I could always remind myself that I was not the only one counting on me making it through another round of trial and error testing/medicating. Then, when he started to respond so quickly, I dared to hope that perhaps I would follow along, albeing more slowly, in the recovery business.

Instead, I have become the weakest, most dependent, most unpredictable version of me there has ever been. There are days that I get in the car and almost immediately have to come home, realizing the trip to wal-mart or wherever now seems a bit much for the day. And then that very evening I can be feeling better than I have in a while. There's no predictability, no control, and only a great concern that I'll be stuck doing something when the next wave of sheer physical draining takes its toll. I have become wholly dependent on my medication - to an even greater degree than I ever did before. I used to think it was bad that the vitamin would lay me out in 2-4 days. Now, I have a window of maybe 2-3 hours with this combination of medications.

And yet, as I write this, I feel like a whiny punk. People with full-blown insulin-dependent diabetes have tighter schedules to their medications than I do, to name the more cotidian of the illnesses people around me suffer from on a daily basis. There are worse...much worse alternatives and possibilities.

That doesn't mean the weak, decrepid, decomposing human that I am doesn't feel these things, however. On nights like this, I really do miss so many of you whom I rarely or never get to see anymore. I can be thankful for the days in memory I do have of those times shared...and like the old man in that ballroom can take a few rounds down the dusty memories and rejoice in the opportunities I did have, and then look forwrard to those still to come.

For any of you that slog through my writing, you know that there are often repeated themes throughout...and today, I spent some time re-reading some of the things I'd written in the past, to feel a little better about today, and try to get some sleep...

Old blog remix:

These are the feelings I'm trying to re-capture from a couple of years ago...that I NEED to recapture...



How I've been feeling these past couple of weeks...



What I know I need to do again...


I miss you all, my cherished loved ones...this tired old fool misses you all so very much.



--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

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Monday, August 10, 2009

Home Security

Got this in an e-mail from a good buddy of mine...

How to Install a Home Security System
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
" Bubba,
Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Cooter "



--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

-

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Frustrating Entrapments

This will simply be a venting session, no more no less. :)

*begin pressure release*

Well, I'm back from what in previous years would be considered a "short jaunt" of a trip. I went to Houston, and came back, but broke the trip into three parts, and even stayed overnight in Longview to rest before making it back to Ruston.

2-3 years ago, the me from then would have laughed at how difficult this seemed to the me now. I must confess a serious degree of frustration with myself. Driving is a relatively relaxed and easy form of travel, especially on the mostly empty interstates I frequent (at least empty compared to city traffic interstate runs or So.Cal., from whence I come). And yet, increasingly, it seems like driving anywhere is an obstacle to be overcome. A sheer relief and thankfulness upon arrival. Pulling over for extra rest stops just to give the tightness in the chest a chance to dissipate and a new wave of focus to take over.

It leaves me feeling quite trapped. In years past, with a vehicle at my disposal, I've always been able to feel like I could go where I needed and because I needed to. 18 hour-a-day road trips were tiring, but fun. I could get to the other side of the country and back again for a visit or a graduation. I could make a nightly 2-hour runt o New Orleans for a week because I was stationed 2 hours away for company business.

Etc, etc, etc. And now, the distances seem multiplied. I get that "long lens" effect from the movies where the hallway just seems to suddenly grow miles long.

Sure, I'm feeling much better than I was a few weeks ago, and I have a much better handle on m health. But to be perfectly honest, this "trapped" feeling is starting to get a little suffocating. I feel pincer moves on all fronts. I'm trapped by my dependence on the electricity to keep me alive and breathing at night. I am trapped by the dependence on a machine that I hope and pray does not break, because I wouldn't do well in the few days it might take to replace it. I'm trapped by the ever-tightening schedule around which I need to eat/take my medicine before I mess up the rest of my day from an imbalance that's harder and harder to correct in just a few minutes. I'm trapped by my dependence on access to a red liquid that wal-mart sometimes carries and sometimes does not, but which I need in ever-increasing doses if I want to feel like a normal human being without being tethered to the nearest bathroom.

Trapped by the need to not give up, because the moment I do, I fear I won't get back up (school, life, whatever). Trapped by the distance from so many loved ones, and trapped by the loss of love of so many distant ones. Trapped in this decayed and broken-down body. Trapped by my knowledge that I need to take these life lessons and turn them into opportunities for me to share and uplift others - though I'd much rather be sour and bitter instead.

*end vent*

And without the friends and loved ones I DO have, these feelings would be overwhelming, crippling, and paralyzing. Thank you for being there...

--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

-

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Musical musings

I tried falling asleep a little while ago, but can't quite. Up, and listening to some music.

Downloaded a couple of Audiobooks for tomorrow's airport shuttle run to Houston. Ayn Rand's We The Living and Stephen King's Song of Susannah, from the Dark Tower series. we'll see which strikes up my fancy while driving.

Music is soothing and accompanies even my foulest moods.










--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

-

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Quotes

Quotes directly From Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand works. I have been thoroughly enjoying her writing as of late. THOROUGHLY.

Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing can alter the truth and nothing can take precedence over that act of perceiving it. - Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener. - Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

Honest people are never touchy about the matter of being trusted. - Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

For centuries, the battle of morality was fought between those who claimed that your life belongs to God and those who claimed that it belongs to your neighbors - between those who preached that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of ghosts in heaven and those who preached that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of incompetents on earth. And no one came to say that your life belongs to you and that the good is to live it.- Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved his title. Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours. - Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

You know how people long to be eternal. But they die with every day that passes. When you meet them, they’re not what you met last. In any given hour, they kill some part of themselves. They change, they deny, they contradict--and they call it growth. At the end there’s nothing left, nothing unreversed or unbetrayed; as if there had never been an entity, only a succession of adjectives fading in and out on an unformed mass. - Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Throughout the centuries there were men who took first steps down new roads armed with nothing but their own vision. Their goals differed, but they all had this in common: that the step was first, the road new, the vision unborrowed, and the response they received--hatred. The great creators--the thinkers, the artists, the scientists, the inventors--stood alone against the men of their time. Every great new thought was opposed. Every great new invention was denounced. The first motor was considered foolish. The first airplane was considered impossible. The power loom was considered vicious. Anesthesia was considered sinful. But the men of unborrowed vision went ahead. They fought, they suffered and they paid. But they won. - Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

It stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting sacrificial offerings. Where there's service, there's someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice, speaks of slaves and masters. And intends to be the master. - Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

I can say — not as a patriotic bromide, but with full knowledge of the necessary metaphysical, epistemological, ethical, political, and aesthetic roots — that the United States of America is the greatest, the noblest and, in its original founding principles, the only moral country in the history of the world. - Ayn Rand, Philosophy: Who needs it

...observe that in all the propaganda of the ecologists—amidst all their appeals to nature and pleas for 'harmony with nature'—there is no discussion of man's needs and the requirements of his survival. Man is treated as if he were an unnatural phenomenon. Man cannot survive in the kind of state of nature that the ecologists envision—i.e., on the level of sea urchins or polar bears... - Ayn Rand: The New Left




--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

-

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Success is a rare treat in this journey, but PTL!

Well, in all the 9 years we have been letting the white-robed beings who act like vampires around me exact their multiple-times-a-year toll from my veins, yesterday will be marked as a red-letter day.

For the first time in all this time, we have seen a reversal towards normal across the board. Every principal measure that for years has simply shown a steady decline as everything seemed to unwind with no way to truly prevent it has now shown between a little and much improvement. While all of my numbers are still quite unhealthy for an average adult, yesterday's work showed levels I haven't seen since 2004 on the worst measures, and since 2000 on the less pernicious ones.

I am very thankful this current line of treatment seems to be along the lines of the answers we have been looking for all these 9 years, and am even more thankful for the friendship, support, and prayers so many of you have supplied along the way to buoy me along. I'm especially thankful that I can leave my parents with that close-to-peace-of-mind news, and allow them to focus more on the many other people that need them so much on a daily basis.

My dear Potter...your clay...nothing more, and nothing less.

-A grateful Old Fool


--
The Old Fool

“If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” -George Orwell.


*NOTE: I reserve the rights to all the original postings in this blog. Do not use without permission and/or full attribution.

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